Hello everyone! It’s been a long time since I’ve written on here and it feels really good to do it again. There are so many changes in my life since I last wrote on here

I recently heard a sermon at Exilic church (my new church in NYC) which included excerpts from Revelation 5. I was nearly moved to tears as this sermon was preached because of the beauty that was revealed to me in the scriptures that I had never seen before when reading the book of Revelation.

John’s vision is depicted in Revelation 5

The most amazing thing happens.

6 And between the throne and the four living creatures and among the elders I saw a Lamb standing, as though it had been slain, with seven horns and with seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. 7 And he went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who was seated on the throne. 8 And when he had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each holding a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. 9 And they sang a new song, saying,

“Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, 10 and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth.”

Revelation 5:6-10

Rather than the expected fierce Lion of Judah, rather than a king who is of utmost size and strength and power, than one who demands respect and terrifies anyone who dares look his way, than a tyrant who does whatever he wants, rather than anything else, the one who is worthy to take the scroll and open its seals is a Lamb.

The lowest ranking, docile creature that could not harm anyone becomes the only one who is worthy to take the scroll, and all the mighty creatures of the world, every wolf, lion, every ruler of Babylon that was, is and ever will be, bows down to the Lamb and sings worship to Him.

11 Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living creatures and the elders the voice of many angels, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, 12 saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” 13 And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!”

Revelation 5:11-13

I am 23 now! My birthday passed not too long ago and it’s given me some time to reflect on my life so far that God has graciously given to me. I feel that God has revealed to me that:

1. I have not made God my first consumption
2. My all-or-nothing personality means not everything is suitable for me

Since moving here to New York and starting work, as much as I try to control and manage my schedule, I’ve realized that I really have just a few short hours of each weekday and the hours on the weekends feel shorter than they really are. I’ve also come to realize that beyond a busy work schedule, this is how the adult life really is, whether you work a regular 9-5 or a longer schedule. There is always a reason or way that you can feel trapped in your own schedule.

Thankfully, I don’t feel this way about my time as much and I actually feel mentally comfortable with the time I have and how work has been. What I have been unhappy about is that I am not consuming God first. By that, I mean that I often skip devotion time in the morning to get extra sleep, or do it distracted while on a commute. I find myself not making Him my first priority whether I am in joy or in suffering. I take inspiration on the idea of “consumption” from an article I read from John Piper around two years ago. He talks about six lessons for adults in their twenties and one of the first lessons I remember was that “if you have time to eat breakfast, you can have time for God”.

Piper says that if you have time to feed and nourish yourself with human food, then you have time that you can make for God but you choose to not do so. In fact, the daily bread that comes from the word and prayer is tenfold more important to my life than any material food or water would be. Honestly, I sometimes skip my breakfast when work is too busy, but as I think about it, I realize that I end up eating two lunches and a late dinner on those days. So if I have this standard where I do not make sacrifices for the meals I’m consuming, where is my standard for the consumption of God? I question myself. God tells us that man shall not live on bread alone, but by the word of God (Matt. 4:4) so my prayer for the rest of my twenties is to understand and be faithful to His command.

Some of you may know that back in April/May of this year I tried to seriously learn how to DJ as soon as I could, originally as a way to creatively interact with the music I was listening to (mainly electronic and pop) but also because I wanted an outlet to feelings I kept having of what can best be described as “unrestful meaninglessness”. Over those two months I had quickly become engulfed by electronic music and blasting it in my ears to just drown things out. I would often tell people around me that I kept finding it hard to feel joy during what should be happy moments, but also struggled to feel sad during what should be unhappy moments. It was something I really had never experienced before. I tried searching up if this was something clinical, but I didn’t think it was that. I still had fun doing things day to day, talking to people, laughing. But one thing I kept going back to was my music.

Even though I’m not very musically talented and don’t play any instruments, music tends to have a big impact on my life. A lot of you may have even read my deep dive that I wrote on years ago into my favourite song/hymn of all time (Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken). Rather than turning to a quiet (or grand) tune of the gospel, I found myself often drowning out my thoughts with a careless click of electronic music. And I was definitely addicted to the bass line going “boom, boom, boom”.

So this all amalgamated into me buying my own beginner DJ equipment, posting and editing short videos onto TikTok, and then randomly getting scouted by someone to do a DJ set at their event in Brooklyn at the end of May. I accepted, knowing that I could cancel if I didn’t prepare well enough. At the time, I didn’t think that there was anything else wrong with it. Honestly it was too easy for me to ignore all the things I didn’t like about this kind of music. I ignored the feelings it gave me, the atmosphere it created, the lyrical content. It wasn’t until I went to a concert in the genre and learned that it was an environment that promotes drug use and sin that I started thinking about if this was something I wanted to really be involved in. When Jamie came to visit me in New York a few weekends before the end of May, I talked to her more in depth about this whole DJ thing and with very simple words she said “this makes me feel a little uncomfortable”. At first I was offended, “how could she say this about my hobby?”, “do I have to give this up?”, “you didn’t even give it a chance…” were all the thoughts floating around my head, even though all she said was just “uncomfortable”.

The next day we went to Redeemer LSQ and Pastor Michael Keller was preaching on sacrifice. That sacrifice is often irrational, that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for us sinners was the most irrational act of mercy and grace ever done. As the day progressed and I spent more time with Jamie, I realized that my new hobby was not worthy enough to bring discomfort to someone I wanted to share my future with and loved so much, and certainly not worthy enough to break my increasing conscience against the hobby. I realized that being the DJ, you are the person creating the environment that leads to sin. And knowing myself as an all-or-nothing person, there was no “Christian” substitute for this. That day, I closed all the accounts, returned my equipment and deleted all the playlists I had curated over the last few months and quit listening to all electronic music.

In a way I felt like I had been freed again. Not by chains of sin, but by chains of…nihilism? What I believed was irrational sacrifice at the time ended up being the best and most rational choice I’ve made in a long time and a reminder that God reigns in all things. You may be reading this and thinking that I’m being dramatic or that I could just DJ at home and only for myself, and I understand that point. But knowing myself and the type of personality I have, I believe that Satan was using this hobby, this genre of music, and my nihilistic feelings to try to bring me slowly and slowly, closer to sin. Praise God for holding me fast to Him and I pray that God continues to hold me fast in my new age of 23 and throughout my life for Him.

“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts,...”
C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters